Need to Love You Read online

  Copyright © 2015 by Megan Smith Production LLC.

  All Rights Reserved.

  This book may not be reproduced, scanned or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission from the author. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author's rights. All characters and storylines are the property of the author and your support and respect is appreciated. The characters and events portrayed in this book are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  The following story contains mature themes, strong language and sexual situations. It is intended for adult readers.

  Cover Design: Sommer Stein, Perfect Pear Creative

  Photography: Toski Covey with Toski Covey Photography

  Models: Wade Fox and Whitney Beverstock

  Editor and Formatter: Elaine York, Allusion Graphics, LLC/Publishing & Book Formatting

  What If...

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  About the Author

  Acknowledgements

  Other Books by Megan Smith

  Finding Us Excerpt

  The course of true love never did run smooth.

  ~ Shakespeare

  What if…

  I look around Oceans, people are staring at us. I look over at one girl with blonde hair that is draped over some guy covered in tattoos, her eyes trained on us. The blonde bites her lip as her eyes drink us in. This should feel wrong to dance like this with someone because it’s not the someone it should be but it doesn’t matter in this moment.

  My words come out slurred, “I’m…I’m so tanked.” My lips brush the curve of an ear as a stumble forward just a little. I don’t give a shit what this looks like right now. I’ve shut my mind off. I’m living in the moment, or at least trying to. Fuck the unwanted pressures I’ve had to deal with lately.

  The blood in my veins start humming, my heart rate picks up as those fucking emotions come into play no matter how far down I try to tamper them. Is this what people talk about when they say they weren’t thinking clearly after a night of doing something they know they shouldn’t be doing? Is this how it feels to do something that’s wrong but doing it anyway and not giving a shit?

  A cloud comes over gunmetal blue eyes that are staring at me and then I’m being led down a hall where there are a bunch of people messing around, so close in proximity to each other that it’s evident some are joined in more places than at the hip. Something is about to really happen and I’m not even doing a damn thing to stop it. Shouldn’t I want to stop it? The alcohol is making everything fuzzy, making the world a blur. I shouldn’t want this, right?

  “Come on.” There is a door to my right, beckoning for us to enter.

  With lingering eyes I take in my surroundings before stepping into the dark room, completely unsure of what taking this step is going to mean. I shift on my feet from the sudden flood of emotions. I know I shouldn’t. Once upon a time this wouldn’t even be an option for me. There is no way I’d even find myself in this position but here I am. “I…” My words trail off. I want to say yes, I mean no, but I can’t get the words to form.

  “What?”

  “I don’t know.” I look away. What the fuck is wrong with me? Is this one moment worth losing everything?

  “Fine.” I give in as a hand pulls me into the darkness.

  Jackson

  The day of…

  I wipe the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand. “Alex, what are you doing?”

  He throws the ball high up in the air; it comes down fast and right towards my brand new Ford Raptor. I take a deep, calming breath before telling him for the tenth time to play on the other side of the yard.

  I stand from the stool I was sitting on. “Buddy, come here.”

  Alex tosses the ball into his glove as he takes the couple of steps over to me, crossing the distance between me and where he’s not supposed to be with his baseball. “Yeah?”

  I stare at my son’s messy brown hair that is going in all different directions. Chloe loves the look on him, me, on the other hand, wishes he’d cut it just a little bit shorter. As long as it’s not long and sticking out of his baseball hat like a lot of kids wear it these days I guess I can deal.

  “Didn’t I ask you a hundred times to toss the ball on the other side of the yard?” Alex rolls his eyes and I lightly smack him upside the head. “That last time came really close. Do it again and I’m taking the ball and glove. Got it?”

  He takes a step back just out of reach. “Yeah, got it.”

  As he walks away he tosses it up just over his head and catches it in his glove, just to push my buttons. He’s at this age where he’s pushing limits and sooner or later he’s going to push a little too far…and he’s going to get cracked for it.

  I sit back down on the stool and finish what I was doing. I still have to get the other tire back on before Chloe comes home. She’s already going to kill me when she sees the new rims I bought for my truck. I couldn’t pass the deal up, plus it’s not like she would care that I got a great discount on them through my job. She’d just bitch, complain, and say that money could have been used for the house, something more important.

  Over the summer we decided to start sinking a little money into our house focusing on improvements that needed to be made. We’re taking it one room at a time. A bathroom was added to our master bedroom, and we painted and replaced the sink in the other bathroom that’s in the hall. I’m letting her lead this show since it was her idea and I’m just trying to make her happy and keep her out of my hair. I’ve done all of this work without saying one word, literally saving us thousands by doing the work myself, and now I’m paying myself back by buying myself these new rims.

  Just as I finish tightening the last lug nut, Chloe pulls up in the driveway. She climbs out of the car as Alex goes running over to his mom.

  “Hey, bud, what are you up to?”

  Alex smiles, “Tossing the ball around.”

  “Think you can help me? I’ve got a bunch of stuff in the car.”

  Alex puts his glove and ball down then Chloe hands him a little bag and he takes off running inside.

  “Hey, I’ve got a bunch of stuff in the trunk,” Chloe tosses over her shoulder to me. So far she hasn’t noticed the rims or she’s choosing to ignore it because she hates fighting in front of Alex. Either way I’m thankful.

  We haven’t been getting along that well for a while now. With every passing day it’s just getting worse and I’m not sure what the hell to do about it. Life seems like it’s at a standstill. It’s like a schedule that never changes…sleep, work, and eat. It feels like the walls are closing in on me. This isn’t how I had my life planned out and I know Chloe didn’t plan on us getting to this point either. Plus, add on the fact that Chloe is hell bent on getting pregnant. You’d think with my sister, Hailey, and now Jaylinn, that she’d get her fill from them, but nope. We’ve been trying so hard for a baby and nothing has happened. I feel like it’s all she cares about anymore, morning, noon and night it’s all she talks and thinks about. She’s been tracking every little thing on that app she has on her phone, she takes her temperature every morning at the exact same time, pees on those sticks twice a day that tells her if she’s ovulating and still
nothing. Nothing for the last nine months. Her life is all about baby making, which isn’t even fun anymore. She’s sucked the life out of the one thing that could always reconnect us when we started drifting apart.

  While Chloe unpacks the groceries I stick my head in the fridge looking for an iced cold beer but there isn’t any. “Who drank my last beer?”

  Chloe glances over to the fridge and shrugs. “Mason stopped over to give Alex a new glove this week. Maybe he took it.”

  My eyebrows draw in confusion. “Mason was here? How come you didn’t tell me?” It’s not often that I get to see my brother so when he’s around I’d like to hang out with him.

  Chloe puts a box of cereal on top of the fridge. “I sent you a text on Monday.”

  I pull my phone out of my pocket and scroll to the last text from Chloe which was unread.

  Chloe Monday 11:43am: Mason is here to drop off the glove for Alex. Can you come home for lunch? <3

  I glance up from the phone to see Chloe looking at me with raised eyebrows. “What? Didn’t think I was telling you the truth?” She grabs the milk out of a bag and puts it in the open fridge. “You know if you actually answered my calls and texts you might have a clue as to what’s going on around here.”

  “I do answer you,” I say, defensively.

  She sighs, “You don’t.”

  Taking a deep breath, I grab a bottle of water, twist the cap, and take a sip.

  “Did you tell work that you’re going to be late next Monday?” Chloe asks as she tosses a grape into her mouth.

  I scratch my head and try to think what the hell is going on for Monday. I vaguely remember her going on and on about something and telling me I had to be there.

  “Jackson? You hear me?”

  I nod. “Yeah, I heard you. Someone will cover for me.” No way in hell am I going to tell her that I don’t have a clue as to what is going on next Monday. I’ll just feel her out on it for the next couple of days or so. Hell, I could probably call my sister and find out from her.

  Chloe says something that I didn’t quite hear because her back is turned away from me. When she turns back around she leans against the counter, sighs, and her eyes tear up. “Where in the hell did the time go?”

  My eyes cast down to my shoes. Chloe is still talking, more like rambling, but I’ve zoned out. She’s going off on another one of her mood swings. I need to go out to the mall and buy new sneakers. Pressing down on my right heel I hear a hissing sound, it’s driving me up a fucking wall, ever since popping the air bubble in my Airmax’s the other day. I glance back up to Chloe and she’s staring at me with a blank expression.

  “What?”

  “So do you want to go?”

  I take another sip of my water hoping Chloe will repeat herself because I have no clue where she wants me to go. After a few seconds I realize she isn’t going to let me off the hook.

  “When?” I know better than to ask her to repeat herself. She’ll cop an attitude and I’m just not in the mood to argue.

  She rolls her eyes, “Tonight, you know when normal people eat dinner.”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. Who’s all going?”

  Chloe shakes her head at me. “I just told you, your mom, dad, me, you and Alex.”

  “Alright,” I put the bottle down on the counter and walk towards the garage door. “I’m going to clean up what I was doing, shower and then I’ll be ready.”

  Chloe puts her hands on her hips. “Jackson?”

  “What?” I say not bothering to turn around.

  “Dinner isn’t for another three-and-a-half hours.”

  “I know.” I lie. I don’t even know exactly what time it is now.

  I open the door and hear her grumble, “Yeah, I’m sure you do, just like you know everything else.”

  I’ve officially checked out, and the sad thing…I don’t think I even care anymore.

  Chloe

  When Jackson goes back outside to do God knows what to the damn truck of his I finish putting all of the groceries away. When that’s done I take the last few bags I got from my shopping trip with MacKenzie upstairs to Alex’s room.

  I can’t believe my little man is starting kindergarten. Where in the hell did the time go? I’m afraid to blink because the next thing I know, Alex will be graduating high school and we’ll be sending him off to college.

  I will admit though that I’m a little excited that he’s enrolled in kindergarten full time. My plans are to find a job now that he’s at school. I need something to get me out of this house. I need to start making a little of my own money and being more independent. This isn’t how I pictured my life. I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. That’s just not me. I like feeling like I belong somewhere and that I’ll make a difference to someone or anyone out there in the world. Don’t get me wrong though, I wouldn’t trade Alex in for the world but it’s my time now that having another baby doesn’t look like it’s happening for us.

  Alex is lying on his bed watching Paw Patrol on his T.V. “Hey, bud, want to see the clothes I got you for school?”

  He sits up with a big smile on his face. “Did you get me a lunch box?”

  I don’t know what it is with this kid and lunch boxes. He must have about five or six in the closet downstairs but he insists on getting a new one for school. “No, I didn’t get that just yet. I figured you would want to pick it out.”

  “Okay, Mommy.”

  As I pull the clothes from the bag, Alex smiles and makes some kind of comment about each of them. He loves this color or that design and look at that tractor. I love that he’s excited and so animated.

  “So, Mommy did good with your school clothes?”

  “Yup,” Alex glances over at the T.V. and I know I’ve officially lost his attention. I hang the clothes in his closet and pick up the few toys he has laying on the ground.

  “Mom, is it lunch time or dinner time?”

  “It’s in between. Didn’t daddy make you lunch?”

  “No,” he sighs and shakes his head. “Can I have a snack?”

  “Of course, you’ve got to come downstairs and eat it though.”

  “Oh, Mom,” Alex yells as he throws himself back against the bed. “Can’t I eat it up here and watch Paw Patrol?”

  Shaking my head, “No, bud, you can’t. You know the rules.”

  “The rules are dumb.”

  “Alex,” I warn.

  “I just want to watch this and eat.”

  I shut the T.V. off. “Let’s go.”

  Alex stomps down the stairs behind me and now I’m annoyed even more that Jackson couldn’t even bother to feed his damn son lunch for crying the hell out loud. Alex requests popcorn which I pop in the microwave as I turn to get him a drink while I wait for it. When it’s done I place it in a bowl in front of his chair, expecting another sigh because he wanted to eat and watch this in his room. “I’ll be right back. Stay here and eat.”

  I don’t even think the kid heard me because his eyes are trained on the T.V. in the living room which he can see from the table.

  Walking out into the garage I find Jackson wiping off his tools. “Did you feed Alex lunch while I was gone like I asked?”

  Jackson puts the wrench down in the drawer in a perfect line with the other tools, all I can think of are Alex’s little toy soldiers lining up and preparing for battle, similar to how my emotions are right now knowing I have to deal with Jackson. “He didn’t tell me he was hungry.”

  “Jackson! He’s five! You’re his damn father; it’s your responsibility to feed him lunch.”

  He grabs another tool. I want to rip it from his damn hands and throw it at his head. “You could have stayed home, fed him lunch, then went shopping.”

  If looks could kill, my husband would be dead right now. “You’re kidding me, right?” I cross my arms over my chest. “I’m with him every single day of the week. I went out with your sister for three hours to go clothes shopping for Alex and food shopping for the week. You couldn’t
have handled getting him lunch?”

  Jackson turns his head to look at me but doesn’t move his body. His eyes are dark and brooding. I’ve been getting these looks more and more lately and I don’t understand why. “You do nothing all day, every day, while I’m at work busting my ass to make us money. Get off my fucking case, will you?” he snaps.

  I bite down on my lip nodding my head as I turn and walk back into the house. If this is the way he wants to play, that’s fine. Two can play his game. He’s in the dog house now, he knows it too but if he doesn’t he’ll surely find out soon enough.

  A few hours later I get Alex changed and cleaned up so we can go meet Elle and Andrew for dinner at the little Mexican place not far from here. Jackson still hasn’t come in the house to take a shower and we need to leave in ten minutes. I’m not reminding him and, God forbid that I do, he’d tell me to get off his case anyway. So, screw him.

  “Alex, Mommy is going to go change into jeans. Be right back, okay?” Alex plops down on his butt with his little toy car. “Alex?”

  “Alright!”

  I shake my head and walk out of his room. What the hell is it with the men in this house! I pull out my favorite pair of jeans and toss them on the bed. Just as I’m pulling my yoga pants down I hear the door to the garage slam shut. If he thinks I’m waiting for him he has another thing coming. Asshole.

  I walk into the bathroom and brush out my long brown hair before Jackson comes in to take a shower and locks me out. When I step out I hear Jackson apologize to Alex for not getting him lunch. Damn right, he better.

  Just as I reach the bed, the door opens and Jackson steps in. His eyes go right to my body like they always do. That’s right, asshole, look all you want because you aren’t touching shit.

  Jackson clears his throat. “I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

  I nod once, pull on my jeans and slip back into my Tom’s. Glancing over to the cable box to see that it’s time to go, I walk out of the bedroom without even a backwards glance.