Let Me Love You (Love #4) Read online

  She’s been having them less and less lately but when they hit they screw with her head pretty badly for the next few days. That’s what kills me. Most of the time something triggers them but this time I’m not sure what would have brought it on.

  “I’m sorry,” she cries, her voice so lost it gives my heart another stab.

  Jaylinn tries to turn over but I reach out and place my hand on her hip to stop her. I wipe some of her tears away, “Don’t be sorry, Jay. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  She cries harder and buries her head into the crook of my neck. I’m afraid to touch her because most of the time she can’t handle it but I want to comfort her, I need to. Or maybe it’s that I need to comfort myself? I didn’t know for sure, all I know is that I need to touch her. I start out slow by running my fingertips up her arm a few times. When I know she isn’t going to pull away, I run them up and down her side.

  “Just hold me,” she whispers, giving in and letting me take the pain away.

  That’s all I needed to hear. I pull her whole body so it’s flush against mine and wrap my arms around her. She’s still shaking but at least the tears have stopped, that’s all I can ask for right now. I kiss her head a couple of times and tell her that I’m here, she’s safe and I’m not going anywhere.

  Eventually her body relaxes in my arms, and I think she’s fallen asleep but she surprises me when she calls my name.

  “Coop?” she sighs loudly, “I need you to wash that night away. I want you to make my nightmares go away.” She sniffles and reaches up to wipe her face. “I need you to do this with me. I need it to be you. I’m not sure I could handle it being anyone else but,” She huffs, “it needs to happen. I want something to replace that nightmare and it’s the only way I can think to do it.”

  I don’t respond right away because I’ll admit I’m scared. Nothing usually scares me but this, with her; it scares the shit out of me.

  “I don’t expect you to answer me right now but you’re going to have to eventually, Cooper. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” Jaylinn turns over to face the other direction and moves to the end of the bed.

  She doesn’t understand and I don’t think she will be able to. I wish I could talk to someone about what I should do but I’ve sworn on my life that this stays between us and I could never break my promise to her.

  I’m lost in my own head. What if we did have sex and in the middle of it she connects what we’re doing with what happened to her? I don’t ever want to know. Can I be the one that will wash away the memories and make new ones with her? That’s what I want to happen, she doesn’t deserve this. What will happen to her, to me, if the sex ruins whatever we have going on between us? I’m not sure but I would hope we could overcome it. Would she survive? In Jaylinn fashion she will. Will she sink further into herself without seeking professional help? Yeah she will, but her pride will get in her way. Would I be able to sit back and do nothing? Hell no, I won’t be able to ever do that.

  If Jaylinn did get tired of waiting around for me and finds another man to take that special gift away from her will I be able to handle that? Nope, but if that guy she finds makes her smile the way she used to and brings back those sparkling blue eyes then I’d gladly step aside. I’ll be there every step of the way for her. It’s not what I want to happen because I want Jaylinn. If I’m being honest with myself I have for a while but I didn’t see it right away. I was too worried about the next piece of ass and living the college dream. I see it now though and I want her more than my last breath, but again I’m afraid that when, if, we take the next step that it will push her away in the end.

  “Maybe I’m scared because you mean more to me than any other person in my life, Jay.” I say to myself mostly but loud enough that if she’s awake she’ll hear me.

  I wake up the next morning with the sun shining down on me from the open window. I know Cooper isn’t lying in here with me because I can’t feel him. He’s already left to go to the gym for his strength training with the team. I roll onto my back and stretch my body out. I need to get my ass out of this bed and go for a run. I will not let last night’s dream affect me. I can’t.

  “You need to get over this shit, Jay.” I tell myself. I even go as far as raising my fist in the air as if this will give me the motivation I need. It kinda does.

  I pull my ass from the bed and put on a pair of sweatpants from the pile of clothes I have here at Cooper’s, and pull on an old Boston University hoodie from Cooper’s closet. In the bathroom I brush my teeth, wash my face and pull my hair into a ponytail. I slip on my running shoes, grab my iPhone and go out the back door. I make sure it’s not locked so I can get back in when I’m done. I hate running with my keys and Cooper said since it’s a safe enough neighborhood it’s okay if I leave the back door open.

  It’s freezing outside this morning which is going to make my run a little bit more difficult with the cold air burning my lungs, but I welcome it. It’s something else to focus on and not let my mind drift back to my nightmare. I get about a mile into my run when my body starts to finally warm up. Years of playing soccer and running have built up my tolerance to the miles of running I put my body through. Running and reading are my escape from the world.

  Flicks of being in a dark room surface but I refuse to let my mind wander back there. It’s time to move on. It’s time for a change. Time for a change, Cooper’s words from last night float into my mind and I think maybe he’s onto something after all. We need a change, something else to focus on instead of the past and what could possibly become of the future. We need something.

  I think I need my girls; maybe they can help me get through to Cooper and make him see that I’m right here and I want this with him. If Cooper isn’t going to step up to the plate then maybe I need to give him a reason to. Tempt him in ways he’s never been tempted before.

  I take a detour in my normal run and head to Hailey’s house since it’s closest and I know she’ll help me with what I need. I’m not sure how MacKenzie would take me pursuing her brother. I’m sure she’d be fine but it’s just a little weird for me I guess. I’d rather her not know my sex life, just like she doesn’t flaunt her sex life with my brother to me.

  An hour later and I’m knocking on Mason and Hailey’s door. I wait longer than normal because Hailey is home by herself and it takes her a few extra minutes to get up off the couch and waddle to the door.

  “You’re fucking bat shit crazy. It’s freezing and you’re running around outside like it’s summer.” Hailey holds the door open for me to pass by. “Get in here.”

  I peel off my sweatshirt and shoes as soon as I walk in. It’s like a freaking sauna in here. “I thought pregnant women were always hot?”

  I know, I’ve read that somewhere in one of those pregnancy books that MacKenzie made me read with her but clearly Hailey isn’t having a ‘normal’ pregnancy. “It’s comfortable in here, Jay. You’re crazy ass just needs to relax.”

  I roll my eyes and follow her into the living room where she has a movie paused. It looks to be Pitch Perfect since Fat Amy is gracing us with her vertical running. “So what brings you over?”

  I take a seat on the couch and pick at a piece of lint on my sweatpants, not wanting to appear too desperate. “I need your help.”

  Hailey gets that gleaming look on her face. Her wheels are already turning and she has no idea what I want help with. For a second I contemplate messing with her and telling her I have a yeast infection and don’t know what to do, but if I really want her help I probably shouldn’t mess with a pregnant Hailey.

  “Now hear me out before you start saying anything. You know how Cooper refuses to sleep with me?”

  Hailey nods.

  “Well I need to give him a reason to step up to the plate and finally take a swing.” As soon as I say this, my stomach tightens and my legs start to shake. This isn’t me, I’m private. I always have been and I don’t really like to talk about this kind of stuff with anyon
e except Cooper. I swear he’s got a spell on me that makes me spill my guts to him.

  I glance up to see if Hailey is paying attention because she hasn’t said a word. I know I told her to hear me out but I expected some kind of reaction from her.

  I didn’t get that. Instead Hailey’s got the biggest smile on her face and her eyes are lit up with excitement. Hell, this is bad.

  “I need to give him a reason. I don’t know what I should do but I have to do something.”

  Hailey rubs her hands together. “Hand me my phone please.”

  Ah hell!

  What the hell does she need her phone for? I reach for her cell on the coffee table and hand it to her. She taps on it a few times and then puts it to her ear.

  “I need your help. Meet me at my house, stat.” Then Hailey hangs up and taps on her phone a few more times before bringing it to her ear again. “Hey, I need to cash in that favor you owe me. I need you to distract Mason for two hours when he’s done at the gym in an hour, and while you’re at it keep Cooper busy too.” There’s a pause. “Do whatever you have to do. You owe me.” Another pause. “Yeah I know but if he finds out I’ll deal with it then. Thanks!”

  Hailey peels herself from the recliner that she’s sitting in and walks towards the front door. “Let’s go. We’ve got places to go and things to buy.”

  I jump up off the couch and look down at my sweaty clothing. I can’t go anywhere looking like this.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll stop by your house so you can shower and change clothes.” Hailey yells over her shoulder reading my mind.

  I walk over to Hailey’s SUV and am waiting for her to unlock the door, when I see MacKenzie driving down the street towards us. Shit, so much for not involving her.

  “Let’s go, Sugar Lips.” Hailey laughs.

  “You’re already enjoying this aren’t you?”

  “You bet your ass I am. Now get in and Kenzie will drive us to your house.”

  I climb into the back seat and MacKenzie gives me a small smile. She’s afraid to ask what’s going on.

  “How the hell did you get here so fast with that belly of yours?” Hailey questions MacKenzie who rubs her belly.

  “Chloe was already at the house. The boys were hanging out playing. I told her you had an emergency and needed me.” MacKenzie pulls away from Hailey’s house.

  “Well that was good timing.” I say sarcastically.

  An hour later we are back in the car with MacKenzie and we’re driving off towards the mall. Every time I try and ask where we’re going Hailey tells me to sit back and relax. I look to MacKenzie for help but it’s no use. She hasn’t stopped giggling like a little girl since we left the house.

  “Bitches,” I mumble under my breath after being refused an answer yet again.

  “Do you want our help or not?” Hailey asks, her voice going all serious.

  “Of course, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t.” I huff, crossing my arms over my chest. I knew this would happen when I asked for her help. I have no one to blame but myself.

  “I can’t believe the two of us are going to go into that store the way we are.” MacKenzie laughs.

  “This can’t be good.” I grumble.

  We make a few turns and a sign I’ve seen a few times comes into view. They are taking me to the adult novelty store!

  MacKenzie looks at me through the rearview mirror and she notices that I’ve connected the dots. Hailey turns in her seat with a sly smile pulling at her lips.

  “Now that you figured out where we’re going, do you know why I didn’t tell you?” Hailey smiles, she’s happy with herself. “Look at you. You’re already fifty shades of red.”

  I cover my heated face with my hands. What did I get myself into?

  “Oh Jay,” MacKenzie sighs. “My stupid brother hasn’t stepped up his game with you at all has he?”

  I just shake my head, there is no denying it.

  “Well we’re about to fix that.” MacKenzie exclaims, surprising me by how excited she is.

  We pull into a parking spot right in front of the store. I look around to make sure I can’t see anyone that I know before climbing out. Could you imagine?

  MacKenzie and Hailey each flank a side of me and usher me in like they would really have to drag me. They just might have to.

  I asked for help and help is what they are going to give. I can only trust that what they have up their sleeves will work, right? If not, this is one embarrassing trip that will go down in the books.

  When we walk into the store, my eyes dart all over, not really sure where to look first, and I knew then that this was too much for me. There are racks of lingerie in all different colors and sizes. There are rows of porno DVDs towards the back of the store. MacKenzie grabs my hand and pulls me to the left, we pass all different color cock rings; I’m sure each one does something different but who the hell knows what? Penis pumps in various colors catch my eye to my left; all different kinds of strap-ons, some scaring the shit out of me from just the looks of them. There is edible underwear, body paint, penis shaped pasta, lollipops, and penis shaped cake pans, everything you need for a bachelorette party.

  Hailey walks in ahead of us and stops in front of the huge display of dildos. I look around, making sure no one is watching us or within hearing range. Things are about to get really awkward and uncomfortable, for me at least.

  But then again, I am surrounded by dildos with two pregnant women. Awkward went out the window a while ago.

  Hailey taps a finger to her lips, scanning all the dildos. “Hmm,” Her eyes squint and narrow on one in particular, “this one will do.”

  She picks up a long stemmed rose shaded glass dildo and examines it for a second. “Perfect!” She hands it to MacKenzie who gives her stamp of approval.

  We take a few steps further down the aisle. MacKenzie stops in front of the vibrators. She’s now scanning the wall looking for something just as Hailey did. “What’s your favorite color?”

  “Pink.” I rub my sweaty hands down my jeans, unsure of why color choice has anything to do with it. “Does it really matter?”

  “Of course not,” Hailey laughs, “but why not pick your favorite color?”

  I close my eyes briefly, berating myself for getting into this mess. I should have kept my mouth shut.

  “Ah ha.” MacKenzie picks one up and examines it before handing it to Hailey for her stamp of approval this time.

  “Perfect.” Hailey hands it to me. “This one comes with different speeds. That’s always nice.”

  I don’t even want to know how she knows that.

  I am completely mortified and out of my element here. I mean, I know what to do with one and why it’s nice to have the different speeds, but I never thought I’d actually be in a store like this with my two best friends.

  “Oh shit! Look at this.” MacKenzie points to a box.

  Hailey and I walk over so we can see what has her all excited. Bedroom baseball.

  “You’re getting this.” Hailey reaches for the board game and hands it to me.

  “Guuuuys,” I whine, although I’m not really sure why because it looks like fun, though I don’t know whether Cooper and I will even reach the home run.

  Hailey and MacKenzie both ignore me and start grabbing things off the shelf as we continue down the aisle.

  Pop Rocks, lotions, condoms, hand cuffs, lube, a blind fold and who the hell knows what other stuff they grabbed. It scared the shit out of me, that’s all I know. Hailey reaches forward and goes for the nipple clamps but I put my hand out and stop her. “Okay now, let’s not go crazy.”

  Both girls look at each other and laugh, throwing the nipple clamps in the mix despite my objections. I look up the ceiling and just shake my head. We walk around the lingerie and look through the racks. I know I need something that will catch Cooper’s eye but I also don’t want something slutty. I want something sexy.

  I’m a few racks away from Hailey and MacKenzie and I’m about to give up
because I’m not seeing anything that is catching my eye, but as I turn around to see if they are ready to leave I find what I was looking for.

  A baseball lingerie set with a pin striped top that ties in the front and a matching garter belt with a buckle belt. It even comes with a play bat. As I’m holding it out in front of me I hear Hailey, “That’s it.”

  I turn around to show both Hailey and MacKenzie. “Yup, Cooper is going to go fucking crazy.”

  MacKenzie rubs her belly, “There’s no doubting that he’s stepping up to the plate when he sees you in that.”

  Relieved they agree, I smile in relief for the first time all day, “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

  “I’ll be right there.” Hailey says as she walks away.

  MacKenzie and I make our way up to the register. Thankfully it’s a lady at the register. I don’t need to be anymore mortified than I am right now. Hailey throws up a pair of white thigh highs and winks at me. I roll my eyes and shake my head. She just completed my outfit.

  After all my stuff is bought and paid for, the three of us head back to my place. Cooper is still out with the guys so MacKenzie and Hailey give me the run down on what to do to get started. My cheeks are burning red by the time they leave, it actually feels like I have sunburn.

  Let’s hope this actually works and I don’t make myself out to be a fool.

  My body is sore after training today. I pushed myself harder than I normally do because I’m frustrated and pissed after last night. Jaylinn shouldn’t be going through this shit anymore. She told me she was doing better but she’s obviously not. I’m irritated with myself because I’m holding back with her. I don’t want this. I don’t want to hold back damn it. I want to devour her body, make her scream my name. I want her panting underneath me, telling me she wants this as much as I do but I can’t push her. Fuck!