Need to Love You Read online

  “Big ass mouths,” I mumble opening the door. He’s right though, what am I going to do at home? My wife and son aren’t there. I’ve gone and single-handedly chased them off to my parents’ house. But do I really need to get drunk again? Hell no, I’m still suffering. “I’m gonna pass. I need to get to the hospital to see Coop, Jay and the baby.”

  Hunter nods. “Alright, I’ll talk to you later then.”

  I slide out of Hunter’s truck and walk around to the driver’s side of mine. I hit the unlock button on my key pad and open my door. Hunter reverses out of the parking spot, his headlights shining into my truck, he beeps and drives away. The smell of stale beer and faint perfume makes my stomach turn. I scrub my face with my hands as my stomach beings to roil. Damn, I need to get the hell out of here before I throw up. My stomach is still sour from last night.

  Putting the key in the ignition I start the truck up. I turn in my seat so that I can back up but something sparkly catches my attention. I put the truck back in park, reaching behind me to grab it. It’s a purse.

  “What the hell?”

  I yank the zipper open. Inside the purse is a cell phone, money, keys, and lipstick. I move the money around hoping there is some kind of I.D. or something that at least tells me the name of who this purse belongs to. “Yes,” I grab the bank card; Ally Sanders. Another missing piece from last night falls into place.

  A cloud comes over gunmetal blue eyes as we dance along with the sea of people on the dance floor. Suddenly we stop and a moment later I’m being led down a hall where there are a bunch of people messing around, so close in proximity to each other that it’s evident some are joined in more places than at the hip. Something is about to happen…

  And then it is gone just as fast as it came to me. What was about to happen? Who is this girl? I toss the license that I’m still holding back in the purse and grab for the phone. I swipe my finger across the screen of the iPhone praying there isn’t a passcode. Thankfully there isn’t, I hit the phone button wanting to scroll through her recent calls.

  I squeeze my eyes shut as my number shows the last one called. I bite down on my bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. The next is a Sissy and the one after that is Mom. I continue to scroll to see if a boyfriend or husband shows, thankfully I don’t see one. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t have one but at least I can’t tell right now.

  “Damn it!” I yell. “What the hell?”

  I lean my head back against the seat. I can’t go in there to give this to Manny. He’d probably ask questions, or God forbid someone from my family goes in there and he mentions that I’m returning some chick’s purse. Do I try calling this Sissy or her mom to tell them I found her purse? Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. Maybe someone can fill in some of the blanks for me from last night.

  I try dialing Sissy since she was the last person to be called before me at three in the morning. The phone rings, my breathing coming out in pants. It rings again, I start sweating. It rings again, my hands start shaking.

  “Hi, you’ve reached Aubrey I can’t get to the phone. Please leave a message after the beep.”

  Beep.

  “Uh… This is Jackson Cahill…uh…I found Ally’s purse. Um, if you or she could call me back I’d like to return it to her. My number is 555-813-9109. Thanks.”

  I hang up, lean forward, and rest my head on the steering wheel. I take a couple of calming breaths hoping and praying that the phone rings any minutes. I feel like things are getting worse and worse with each passing second as the fog banks of my memory from last night fades again into a blurry haze.

  After a very long and quiet ten minutes, I toss the shit on the passenger side floor like it’s burning my hands. I pull out of the parking lot and head towards home. A few minutes down the road I pull over, bile rising in my throat, as I try taking a deep breath but it doesn’t help. I push the door open just in time to throw up.

  “Shit,” I close the door and grab the unopened bottle of water on the seat next to me and rinse my mouth out.

  I can’t go to the hospital right now like I planned. Cooper would read me like a book. He will know something is up. There is no way I can breathe a word about any of this to anyone until I know exactly what all happened last night. Now, I’m kicking myself in the ass for not getting that drink with Hunter.

  All night I toss and turn. Finally, some time after four I climb my sorry ass out of bed. All the possible what ifs are running rampant through my head. I try counting backwards, force myself to think of better times, or really anything at all to distract myself from the mess I’m in but nothing is working. The only thing I can think about is that damn purse. If Chloe ever got wind of this right now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that it would ruin are already strained marriage.

  Turning the door knob, those blue eyes meet mine again. “What?”

  I shift on my feet from the sudden flood of emotions. I know I shouldn’t go in there. Once upon a time this wouldn’t even be an option for me. There is no way I’d even find myself in this position, but here I am, about to go where I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about going. “I…” My words trail off. I want to say yes, I mean no, but I can’t get the words to form.

  The coffee pot beeps disrupting any memory that might reveal itself to my still cloudy mental state. I pour myself a cup; add a little cream and way too much sugar hoping that a sugar rush will wash my memories forward like a tidal wave. I take the mug out onto the back patio and sit down at the table. Kicking my feet up and relaxing back in the soft cushion of the chair, I take of sip of my coffee listening to the birds chirping now that the sun is just about to start rising on a new day.

  Taking a sip of my coffee it settles like acid in my stomach. I glance down into the mug to make sure I’ve stirred it and that’s when I know what’s about to happen. My hands start to shake causing the hot liquid to spill over and burn my skin. My fingertips start to feel like pins and needles and just as quickly makes it ways to my hands and continues up my arms.

  The paralyzing feeling sets in before I can put the mug on the table and it falls from my hand shattering on the concrete. My heart rate spikes, an icy feeling running through my veins, freezing my lungs.

  I can’t breathe.

  Spots filter my vision as if I’m looking through an insect’s eyes, seeing nothing but seeing way too much.

  Fuck, what happened?

  My hands ball into fists, my fingernails cutting into my palms.

  Alex… my son…

  I try to take a deep breath but I can’t get enough oxygen into my lungs.

  Sweat beads along my forehead and slides down my face but it feels like icicles ripping my skin open, one tiny incision at a time.

  My beautiful wife…

  I squeeze my eyes shut trying to clear the very stars that are making my vision blurry. The words from my mom come back to me from all those years ago, ‘in through your nose, out through your mouth.’

  I do as she says, oxygen pouring into my lungs burns like hell, a feeling that I’m all too familiar with.

  “That’s it, again.”

  I do it again and this time it doesn’t burn as much but it still hurts like hell.

  “There you go. Now start counting backwards from ten.”

  I move my legs and place my feet back down on the patio, broken pieces of the ceramic mug stabbing into the hardened skin of my bare feet. I bend over, rest my elbows on my knees continuing to breathe, and start counting the short distance to relief.

  Find your focus, Jackson.

  Ten

  Nine

  Breathe out.

  Eight

  Seven

  Breathe in.

  Six

  Five

  Breathe out.

  Four

  Three

  Breathe in.

  Two

  One

  Breathe out.

  “Fuck!” I scream out. I continue sitting here for a while working on calming my ra
cing heart. I haven’t had a damn attack in years and now the first real fight I have with Chloe and this one comes rearing its ugly head physically showing me how bad I’ve fucked up. I can’t blame anyone else but myself for this. I know I never should have gone out that night. Something was nagging me, but I ignored it. I was being a selfish prick. I deserve what I’m going through now.

  After cleaning the glass from my feet and rinsing down the porch with the garden hose I lay down on the couch feeling completely mentally and physically exhausted from my attack. Just as I start to doze off, after watching mindless television for a while, my phone rings.

  I blink a few times attempting to get my bearings. I grab my phone off my chest noticing it’s just after eight in the morning before bringing the phone up to my ear.

  Answering, I mumble, “Hello?”

  “Jackson…” My dad sighs loudly into the phone. “What’s going on with you? You didn’t come to dinner Friday night or last night, Chloe and Alex spent the night and your mother got both girls drunk with way too many bottles of wine while I handled the kids on my own. That’s three red flags.”

  I rub at the stabbing feeling in my chest trying to lessen it. They should have been here last night with me and not at my parents’. If anyone deserves to not sleep in their own house it’s me for fucking up. After all, it’s not like Chloe can go to her own parents’ house since they’ve written her off completely.

  “We just got into a fight and needed to cool off. Everything is going to be fine.”

  He’s quiet for just a second probably wondering if he should push this subject with me. He’s never really offered relationship advice before, that was always mom’s job unless of course it was about sex.

  “I thought she was only going to pick up Alex, get a little fresh air and come back.” It’s a lie because I saw her packing her bag but I don’t want or need my dad involved anymore then he already is. This isn’t his problem to fix, it’s mine.

  “Whatever is going on with you guys, Jackson, you need to fix it.”

  I mull over how to answer that for a moment. “What if I can’t fix it?” What if I pushed Chloe too far this time by saying that shit to her. Chloe is the type of person who always puts everyone else before herself. It’s what she did when she found out she was pregnant. First thing she said after she told me she was pregnant was if I didn’t want to be a part of the baby’s life she completely understood but she was keeping it. She gave up her education to take care of the Alex while I put myself through mechanic school.

  “You can fix anything you want to fix, Jackson. It’s what you do. When cars break down, you fix them. This is no different. Assess the situation, find the broken parts, and mend them.”

  A fixer, huh? Is there a way this can be fixed? Is there a slight possibility that she’ll forgive?

  “I’ll figure it out.”

  After hanging up with my dad I eventually fall back asleep with a new sense of hope that I can fix this bump in our marriage.

  When I wake up feeling a little bit more relaxed and refreshed I take a shower and then head up to the hospital to meet my new niece. The visit goes smooth besides Cooper giving me sideways glances every once in a while. I do my best to ignore him but my guard is up because I know he’ll be firing off questions soon enough about last night.

  After leaving the hospital I stop by the hardware store to purchase a new door for our bedroom. I secretly hope that Chloe and Alex will be there when I return but that hope is smashed when I get there and I’m alone again.

  I keep myself busy with fixing the door, washing clothes, cleaning up the little bit of dishes that are in the sink, catching the New York Giants game, all the while waiting for Chloe and Alex to come home. I don’t want to text her because I know her well enough to know she wants to be left alone.

  By the time eleven o’clock rolls around I’m almost positive she isn’t coming home yet again. It pisses me off that she’s hiding out from me, but at the same time I don’t blame her. I deserve the cold shoulder. Paybacks are a real bitch. I click off the television and head upstairs to bed.

  Chloe hasn’t been home in a week. I’ve tried calling, tried sending flowers but nothing is working. I’m getting the cold shoulder from my own mom now too. Dad called me Thursday afternoon to check in and see how the fix on my marriage was working. I asked him if my wife and son were still at his house, he laughed and welcomed me to the world of a scorned wife.

  I’ve still got that Ally girl’s purse in my truck too. I called that same number again with no answer. I decided not to leave a message this time. I’m sure Ally probably thinks someone stole it or something and has cancelled all the credit cards by now. I still wish that someone would call me back and help me fill in the vacancies from the night I didn’t come home.

  Later that night I’m getting ready for bed. I plug my phone into the charger, pull my t-shirt over my head and shrug out of my shorts before climbing into bed. Just as I get comfortable my phone beeps. I turn over and pick it up seeing it’s a text from Chloe.

  Chloe 11:12pm: Don’t forget to be at Alex’s school tomorrow morning at 8:30am for his first day.

  I shake my head, what a true asshole I am. So that’s what she was going on about the other day in the kitchen. This is an important day for Alex. He should be home in his own bed, comfortable, getting a good night sleep. Instead he’s sharing my bed with his mom at his grandparents’ house.

  Before I have a chance to respond another text comes through.

  Chloe 11:13pm: This is important for Alex, Jackson. Please don’t miss it.

  Jackson 11:14pm: I’ll be there, promise.

  I tap out another message.

  Jackson 11:15pm: I’m really sorry about the other day. I never should have said those things to you. I didn’t mean it. I was in a pissed off mood and took it out on you.

  I stare at the screen for a few seconds before deleting every single last word. It’s a lie, if I didn’t mean what I said I never would have said it and she’d call me out on just that. I lied to Chloe once when we first started dating. I told her I was staying home to study for a big test. I wasn’t doing so well in the class and really needed to study, but my brothers insisted I come to a party with them. Mom and dad wouldn’t let them go otherwise so after listening to them whine about it I decided to go. Well, turns out Chloe showed up to the party with a friend of hers. Man, was she pissed at me. She wouldn’t even let me explain, completely ignored me for a whole week before I finally trapped her in the girl’s locker room and made her listen. After a heated exchange we walked out holding hands and everything was right again between us. Turns out all I needed to do was just tell her but since I didn’t it looked like I lied about it.

  God, things were so simple back then. I hit the clock on my phone and set my alarm for six-thirty so that I arrive early at Alex’s school in the morning. Knowing Chloe so well I know she’s never late and I don’t want her to be waiting on me. I want it the other way around for once.

  Chloe

  “Alex,” I sing into my beautiful baby boy’s ear. We’re lying in Jackson’s old bed at his mom’s house. I know it’s probably messed up that I haven’t gone home but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Alex hasn’t asked about Jackson so until that time comes I plan on staying away for a while longer. Elle and Andrew told me I was more than welcome to stay for as long as I needed.

  “Come on, bud, we have to get up so we can get you ready for your first day of school.”

  Alex groans and turns over. His little hands come up to wipe at his eyes.

  “Good morning.”

  “Morning, Mommy.”

  Alex turns over on his side attempting to go back to sleep. He hates waking up early but this is something he’s going to have to start to get used to. I slide my hand over across his belly and bring him back onto his back.

  “Come on, we have to get up.”

  “I don’t want to get up yet.” He yawns.

  I pul
l the covers off just look I always do when I need him up and out of bed. “You need to get up, get dressed and get something to eat before I take you to school.”

  Alex sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. He stumbles his way out into the hallway and into the bathroom. I take this time to change out of my clothes and into some fresh ones. Just as I’m slipping my feet into my flip flops, Alex stumbles back in.

  “Alright, do we want to wear this shirt?” I say holding up a gray shirt with a yellow Batman sign on the front, “Or this one?” Then I show him the blue shirt with the colorful skull on the front that he picked out.

  “That one,” he says pointing to the blue shirt.

  “Alright, up on the bed and let’s get you dressed.” He climbs up on the bed and grabs onto my shoulders for support. “Are you excited for your first day of school?”

  His eyes perk up a little now that he’s more awake more. “Yeah.”

  We get his shorts on and I tug his shirt down over his head while he pushes his arms through the sleeves. “Will Daddy be there?”

  A sharp pain sears my chest. It’s the first time he’s mentioned Jackson. “Yeah, bud, I texted him last night, he said he’d meet us there.”

  A smile so bright it damn near blinds me slips onto Alex’s face. “Yes!” He cheers before jumping off the bed.

  I reach into our overnight bag. “Here.” I pass Alex his toothbrush and toothpaste. “Let go brush our teeth then we’ll head downstairs for breakfast.”

  We emerge downstairs where Elle has a whole spread of food on the table, eggs, pancakes, toast, and potatoes. “Wow,” Alex says rubbing his hands together.

  I giggle. “Hungry, bud?”

  Elle smiles brightly. “Come on my little kindergartner we need to feed that belly of yours.”

  Alex chuckles as he climbs up on the dining room chair. “What would you like?”